I’m Not Angry, I Swear
April 20th, 2005 by Mark
I literally have a list of things I want to talk about. I wrote all of the things that I want to talk about down on a piece of paper, folded it up, and put it in my pocket. I’m going to try and hit each of these points real quick so I can more easily convince myself that people are reading this. Here goes.
Homophobia bothers me. It really boggles the mind. In all honesty, you would think that I would appreciate homophobia a little more because it makes it easier to identify people that I want nothing to do with. You might as well be wearing an “I don’t have original thoughts” hat on your head - that’s the thing that contains your brain, which in turn contains all of those borrowed ideas that you have. Whenever the topic of gay rights comes up at work, I pretty much just have to keep my mouth shut. It bothers me so much that I don’t think I can keep myself from directly insulting people. So, I hold it all in and write it in my blog, so that people that agree with me can read it. Am I somehow failing the gay community by not defending their obvious right to touch whomever’s naughty parts that they want? I suppose - and I feel pretty bad about that. Just one more quick point while I’m on this topic. It doesn’t matter if people are born gay, if they’re somehow influenced to be gay or if they make a conscience decision to be gay. It’s still none of your fucking business who they want to hug and what they want to kiss. I have very liberal views on sexuality and I don’t think it’s something that is as weird as people think it is. I think that humans are drawn towards sexuality in general. This could be another whole blog post, so just suffice it to say that I don’t think we live in a black and white world. I don’t think that there are 3 sexuality camps (straight, bisexual, homosexual). I think there’s a gradient from one side to the other and I think the majority of people would not fall at the polls if they would only allow themselves.
Alright, moving on. I have a problem with barriers that people place between themselves and the world. It’s hard for me to exactly describe what I mean, but I’m going to try. I don’t like it when people make it seem like they’re better at something than they really are. I don’t like it when people never mention things about themselves that they fear others might not like. I want unadulterated honesty from everyone that I know. I know that I can’t really expect this from people, but I’m ultimately not interested in the person that you’re presenting to me. I want to meet the person behind the curtain. Sometimes people even hide from themselves. Sticking with my ‘man behind the curtain’ metaphor, if the man behind the curtain looks in the mirror and sees what he’s presenting to others, he’s pretty screwed. How sad must it be to get to the point where you can’t discern traits that are actually yours from traits you’ve adopted for show. Individuals aren’t the only ones who are guilty of this. Companies are the all-time victors when it comes to the ‘only look at what I show you’ game. This is part of the reason that I like open source software so much. Try and get a company to tell you all of the things that are wrong with their product. Good luck. All of this is out there in the open in the open source world and it benefits both the product and the consumer. I’m kind of getting off on a rant here, but it bothers me when I’m looking at someone and I feel like I’m looking through one of those shower doors at them. I guess the biggest culprit is pride. Being proud of yourself and your accomplishments is awesome and there’s nothing wrong with that. But, being too proud to identify your weaknesses is bad for the soul.
I booked my flight and hotel for my trip to Germany. For those few people that I haven’t told, I’m attending GUADEC (Gnome Users And Developers European Conference). It’s going to be a blast. I’m going over there entirely by myself. I’m leaving May 25th @ 9pm, I arrive in Germany the next day @ 1:20pm their time. I’ll check into my hotel and have 2 and a half full days of dicking around in Europe before the conference. I’m going to try and jet out to Paris for a day during this thing. That may become complicated because the train ride from Stuttgart to Paris seems to be 6 hours long at its fastest. But, if I can leave Stuttgart at 5:45am, I’ll get to Paris by noon. Then, I can spend about 11 hours in Paris before jumping back on a train around 11pm and getting back to Stuttgart around 6am. So, I would pretty much have to do all of my sleeping on the train. But, when am I going to get back to Europe? Do I really want to go over there, see Stuttgart and then come home? If I have the chance to spend some time in Paris, even if its just a few hours, I think I should give it a shot. The conference lasts 3 days (May 29 - May 31) and I fly home June 1st. Germany is 7 hours ahead of us - so jet lag should be exciting. I’m all kinds of excited about this. I’m sure I’ll be blogging about it more as it approaches and I’ll most likely be blogging from Germany as well.
Alright, this is the last thing for now. I spoke with Jamie for a bit last night. It’s so weird to talk to her. There are really two things that upset me about our conversation. The first thing is that she’s dating someone. Now, hear me out. That isn’t the real problem. I want nothing more than for Jamie to meet someone whom she really likes and enjoys spending time with. But, the guy that she met (I don’t know who it is and I think that’s for the better) doesn’t seem to be the best guy for her. It’s probably not fair for me to speak about her personal affairs in a public forum like this, so I’m not going to say much more. But, from the limited amount of information I’ve gotten from her, I don’t think he’ll have an overall positive impact on her life. Which really should be the absolute minimum requirement of spending any time with someone. But, that isn’t really my decision to make, so I digress. The other thing that bothers me is more of a realization that I’ve made about my own feelings than anything that actually happened during our phone conversation. I would love to expand on my thoughts here, but I don’t think I should. I should probably just put them in an email and send them over to Jamie, because she’s really the only person that this involves. But, the 1000-foot view of this is that I don’t think Jamie and I fit together very well for the last few years we were together. It’s unfortunate, and that’s what had me bummed out pretty bad last night. After we got off of the phone I was in the crappiest mood and just went to sleep early.
Thanks for listening to my various rants. I’m pretty sure the guys at work are getting tired of hearing me run off on rants about things that most people deem to be unimportant. They call be angry. Well, they call me an “angry gnome” to be specific. I don’t think I’m angry - I just think that I expect more from the world than it is offering right now. Do you hear that, world? I’m disappointed. I think you an do better.
Nice novella on enlightened anger and romantic depression. I can’t imagine reading this in an archive on your site and not having to wait two whole weeks between an entry on children under the sheets and this tale of frustration sprnkled with hope for Europe.
I can see refraining from moral discussion at work. It simply complicates the environment that you’re forced to be in every day. I don’t often speak my mind over the water cooler, and when I do, it’s more than likely to end the conversation. We have unpopular opinions, though it seems, to us, the most substantiated ones.
Remember though, that the same as you believe that the moral stance is that homosexuality is wrong, many people believe that homosexuality isn’t just disgusting and offensive, but a violation of the strict ethos of many religions. I support their right to worship hatred, but once their practice crosses the line beyond personal choice to affect the unwilling, I can no longer respect their views.
I may want everyone to share my morals and ethical code, because I believe they are the best, but I know this will never happen. The next best thing I can do is let you do what you want until it affects that same right for someone else. In summary… fuck the Nazi Pope.
Though I may not live to regret that statement, I continue in condensed format:
Everyone should strive to be honest with themselves, however, I don’t particularly care if they’re honest with others. Seriously, you want to lie to me, I won’t stop you.
I’m glad to hear that you’re sifting through your feelings about Jamie and coming to some conclusions. While I’m hardly qualified to dispense advice on love or even relationships, I hope you find your way to get through this.
I hope you have a great time in Europe, and I hope you don’t spread yourself too thin over your trip. As proxy, I will dispense some advice given to me by people who’ve been to Europe about going to Europe, especially for the first time. Try to do one or two things thoroughly, instead of trying to do everything quickly.
I know this goes against your vacation mode as, “wake up as early as you can and get everything done until you lose consciousness”, so it may not be good advice to you, but maybe you’ll consider it.
Regardless, enjoy GUADEC and whatever else you do in Europe. I’m sure your blog entries from Germany will be a wonderful change of pace from your rants on what you hate about humanity, and might even include some joy or pleasure.
well its happened again i read a stimulating idea or two on your blog and then the comment that follows and by the time i want to add my perspectives i feel i have to uphold this huge well versed standard. and
so ….. i dont…..
i think what i lack is the motivation of immediate feedback you get with a conversation.
what i would really want is my comment to be the first in the series of developments of the basic premise you set forth in your initial blog.
as for these actual topics:
i find it interesting that you despise thes “barriers ” you speak of yet at the same time it seems your guilty of putting up your own walls . not confronting your co-workers with your opinions on homophobia and instead choosing to vent out here where as you say ” so that people that agree with me can read it.”
I may come off a little harsh here but im not attacking you merely exploring the motives why people cannot be as open and as honest as you wish. anyhow have a great time at GUADEC and you know im jealous but ill be looking forward to some posts (and pictures!) while in germany. mebbe you’ll meet a cute lil Fraulein
A modest erratum and a modest proposal.
While it’s quite nice to have this blog read enough to have a quote taken out of context, I’m not sure the context I’d created was altogether the best. The end of last week was bad for my ill-informed brand of punditry. I was sure it was my other bl…